Bill sets up Mike to go on
a blind date with a friend of his. But Mike is a little worried about
going out with someone he's never seen before. Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!" Father Murphy was playing golf with a parishioner. On the
first hole, he sliced into the rough. His opponent heard him mutter "Hoover!"
under his breath. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water
hazard. "Hoover!" again, a little louder this time. On the third
hole, a miracle occurred and Fr. Murphy's drive landed on the green only
six inches from the hole! "Praise be to God!" He carefully lined
up the putt, but the ball curved around the hole instead of going in.
"HOOVER!!!!" By this time, his opponent couldn't withhold his
curiosity any longer, and asked why the priest said "Hoover".
"It's the biggest dam I know." Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was great! How was your blind date?" a college student asked her roommate. "Terrible!" the roommate answered. "He showed up in his 1932 Rolls Royce." "Wow! That's a very expensive car. What's so bad about that?" "He was the original owner!" A boy called on his girlfriend at her tenth-story apartment in readiness for their date. While she was getting dressed, he played ball in the lounge with her small dog. Unfortunately the door to the balcony was open and when the ball bounced out the door and over the ledge of the balcony, the little dog followed it. A few moments later, the girl appeared. The boy said: "Have you noticed your dog has been acting depressed lately?" A guy walks into a bank. He points his finger at the teller and says, "You! Put your hands in the air, this is a screw up!" The teller says, "Don't you mean, 'this is a stick up'?" The guy says, "No, it's a screw up. I forgot my gun!" A dyslexic man walks into a bra... The bride came down the aisle and when she reached the altar, the groom was standing there with his golf bag and clubs by his side. She said, "What are your golf clubs doing here?" He looked her right in the eye and said, "This isn't going to take all day, is it?" A very elderly gentleman (nineties), very well dressed,
hair well-groomed, great-looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly
of a good after-shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into
the "cocktail lounge" section at the senior center. The Sunday after Christmas, the Sunday School teacher told
her students about an angel appearing to Joseph in a dream, warning him
about danger to the baby Jesus and telling him how to escape from it.
After the story time, the students were given an opportunity to draw a
picture about the story. Most of the pictures were predictable, but Johnny's
had an odd element in it. Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker were having one of their
little father and son chats. Light sabers drawn and sparks flying. Vader
pinned Luke against a bulkhead and glared into his face, “I know
what you're getting for Christmas, Luke," he said, "Ohhh, yes!
I know!" 80-year old Bessie bursts into the holiday party at the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have his way with me under the mistletoe tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!" It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he
asked the prisoner, Gave my dog an early Christmas present... After being away on business for a week before Christmas,
Tom did a little shopping for his wife... A man goes through three stages in life .. he believes in Santa .. he doesn't believe in Santa .. and HE IS SANTA. (Thanks Ed Prechel) A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line. When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" "Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking up out there and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time. Just in time for Christmas. Scientists have taken a gene from a fruitcake, and some genes from a Mexican jumping bean, to create a fruitcake that will actually throw itself into the garbage for you. (Thanks Ed Prechel) One day in the forest, three animals were discussing who among them was the most powerful. "I am," said the hawk, "because I can fly and swoop down swiftly at my prey." "That's nothing," said the mountain lion, "I am not only fleet, but I have powerful teeth and claws." "I am the most powerful," said the skunk, "because with a flick of my tail, I can drive off the two of you." Just then a huge grizzly bear lumbered out of the forest and settled the entire debate by eating them all. . . hawk, lion, and stinker." A husband and wife had quarreled for a quite a while. After a cool down period, the wife went to her husband the next morning and asked, "Honey, what are you doing?" Her husband tried to hide the document in hand and mumbled, "Nothing." His wife, who had seen what the document was, became very upset. "Nothing? I see you reading our Marriage certificate. Why you even got out a magnifying glass! You've been looking that over upside down, backwards, forwards, every which way! What's that all about?" Dejected, her husband said, "Well, if you must know, I was looking for the expiration date!" The scene is a dark jungle. Two tigers are stalking through the undergrowth in single file when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says, "Hey! Cut it out, all right!" The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says, "I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "Sorry," and they continue. After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the bottom of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?" The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!" (Thanks Ed Prechel) One blonde was painting the ceiling
as the other painted the walls of the room. A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave, discovers a single bat STANDING upright underneath on the floor of the cave Surprised by this unusual behavior, the group asked the standing bat: "What the heck are you doing down there?" And the bat shouts back: "Yoga!" (Thanks Ed Prechel) A man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live." "But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?" After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day." Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?" "No," Replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt." (Thanks Ed Prechel) A police car pulls up in front of grandma Bessie's house, and grandpa Morris gets out. The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park and couldn't find his way home. "Oh Morris", said grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! How could you get lost?" Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost. I was just too tired to walk home." A turkey farmer was always experimenting with breeding to perfect a better turkey. His family was fond of the leg portion for dinner and there were never enough legs for everyone. After many frustrating attempts, the farmer was relating the results of his efforts to his friends at the general store get together. "Well I finally did it! I bred a turkey that has 6 legs!" They all asked the farmer how it tasted. "I don't know" said the farmer. "I never could catch the darn thing!" (Thanks Ed Prechel) Little Logan and his family were having Thanksgiving dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated round the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. "Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. "I don't need to," the little boy replied. "Of course you do!" his mother insisted, "We say a prayer before eating at our house." "That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house, and she knows how to cook!" A guy in the Heights tried to sell me a computer. He says it's the smartest computer in the world. You can ask it any question and it'll answer. So the guy feeds in a question for me so I can test it..."Where is my father?" The computer answers, "Your father is in IOWA fishing in a lake". I said no way my father died 10 years ago. The guy says that's strange...the computer has never made a mistake. Let's re-word the question..."Where is my mother's husband?" The computer said, "Your mother's husband has been dead for 10 years and your father just caught a 12 pound bass!! (Thanks Ed Prechel) A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her!" Jimmy, who is in the Navy and just got married, was informed by the Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home in the Indian Ocean for a year. A few weeks after he got there he began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter. "My love," he wrote "we are going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by young attractive Navy women. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be tempted?" So his wife sent him back a guitar saying, "why don't you learn to play this?" Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling" he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we make passionate love!" She kissed him and said, "First, let's hear you play that guitar." (Thanks Mary Utley) Little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?" The father replied: "Well son, you must have got it from your Mother, because I still have mine." The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. A nun made a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only one... God is watching." At the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies, with a note that a child had made: "Take all you want... God is busy watching the apples!" Two guys sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. I used to want to be a gold prospector, but it didn't pan out. Did you hear the one about the man who dreamed he was a muffler on a
car, and then that he was part of the wheel? I met a man who fell into an upholstery machine. Fortunately, he's fully recovered now. A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, and Malpractice." Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!" Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!" (Thanks Ed Prechel) A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse
me, I'd like a pint of beer." The bartender serves the drink and
says, "That'll be four dollars." The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar
bill and hands it to the bartender. "Sorry, sir," the bartender
says, "but I can't accept that." The man pulls out a ten-dollar
bill and the bartender rejects (Thanks Ed Prechel) David and Bernice had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges. On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party. The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning. At 11:30am the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, "Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?" "Not too late, Dad." she replied nervously. Dead-panned, her father said, "Then, my precious one, I'll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my paper under the front tire of the car!" A lady went out and bought her kid a Halloween costume for $139. The kid said, "Should I tear the price tag off?" The mom said, "No leave it on. We want to scare daddy, too." A man went to his mate's fancy dress costume party with
nothing but a naked girl on his back. "So what are you supposed to
be?" the host asked indignantly. Three Vampires walk into a bar, and sit down. The waitress comes up and asks what they want. The first vampire says he want a Double Shot of O Positive. The Second want a bottle of A/B negative...and the third says he'll be driving, so, just bring him a small bottle of plasma. The waitress smiles at the trio, and turns to the bartender..and yells. Hey, Bob... Table Five...Two Bloods, and a Blood Light. Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing
a strong preaching on the devil. Jill phoned her husband, John, at work for a chat. "I'm
sorry dear," said John, "but I'm up to my neck in work today.
I don't have time to chat." A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station... Bumper Sticker of The Day Today is Alaska Day Knock Knock A Stanford research group advertised for participants in a study of obsessive-compulsive disorder. They were looking for therapy clients who had been diagnosed with this disorder. The response was overwhelming; they got 3,000 responses about three days after the ad came out. All from the same person. Christopher Columbus was the first ever-successful politician of the world because he didn’t know where he was going, he didn’t know where he was when he got there, and he did all of it only on borrowed money! One day a government worker was digging through his office drawers when suddenly he came upon a magic lamp. Since he'd heard these jokes before, he knew that he had to rub the lamp and make the genie come out. So he rubbed the lamp and out popped a genie. The genie asked, as genies will, "What is your first wish?" The government worker thought about it for a second, then replied, "I would like to be rich!" So the genie granted him his wish, and poof the man was surrounded by piles of money rivaling the heaps of even Martha Stewart and Bill Gates. Since the government worker knew the whole wish process, the genie didn't even have to ask for number two before he said, "My second wish is to be on an island with beautiful women surrounding me and obeying my every command!" And poof, he was there. Then the government worker decided on his third wish, "I don't want to do any work ever again!" and poof -- he was back in his office. (Thanks Mary Utley) A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside and said: "I don’t like the looks of your wife at all." "Me neither doc," the husband said. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids." (Thanks Mary Utley) Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun," the other detective replied. "A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" "I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan." (Thanks Mary Utley) While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display Of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds Since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my Husband's' advice. "What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?" "Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one." Q: What's the difference between the NY Mets and pantyhose? (Thanks Mary Utley) An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife." (Thanks Mary Utley) "Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully", the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor." the husband said. "And every now and Then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself." Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer. (Thanks Debbie Schertz) A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" A couple went to look at some paintings at an art gallery. One of the pictures was of a beautiful naked woman with only a little foliage covering the appropriate areas. The wife thought the picture was in bad taste and moved on quickly, but the husband stayed and stared at the picture. "Well…what are you waiting for?" called his wife. The man replied, "Autumn!" Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? A guy goes into a supermarket and buys the following: * one can of beans * one bag of potato chips * one pack of burgers * one tub of ice cream * one cake * one yogurt * one pint of milk. He takes them over to the checkout, and the girl looks at what he has bought and asks if he is single. The guy says sarcastically, "Yes. However did you guess?" The girl replies, "You're ugly." Pirate #1: Those are nice earrings, were they expensive ? (Thanks Readers Digest) ALL you idiots fall out!" shouted the sergeant at the soldiers standing in forma tion. As the rest of the squad dispersed, one soldier remained at attention. The sergeant stalked over and raised a single eyebrow. The private grinned. "Sure were a lot of them, huh, sir?" A husband stepped on one of those scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great lover." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong too!" (Thanks Lori Hedgespeth) George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them." Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response Unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!?" An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!" At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I thought you didn't believe in Me?" "Come on God, give me a break!" the man pleaded. "Two minutes ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!" There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist. Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income. He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!" "I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client." "What's the bad news?" The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene." "Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?" "Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140." A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?" Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup." Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs. "I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW PLAYSTATION... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..." His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf." To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!" The new minister arrived in a small Midwestern town to assume the duties of the church leader. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was. When the boy told him, the minister thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven." "I don't think I'll be there," the boy said. "You don't even know your way to the post office!" A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" A woman was having a medical problem - her husband snoring. So she called the doctor one morning, and asked him if there was anything he could do to relieve her "suffering." "Well, there is one operation I can perform that will cure your husband, but it is really rather expensive. It will cost $5000 down, and payments of $650 for 24 months, plus payments for extras." "My goodness!" the woman exclaimed, "sounds like leasing a new sports car!" "Hmmm," the doctor murmured, "too obvious, huh!?" After a high school football game, the coach spotted a cell phone lying on the 50 yard line. "Here," he said to the ref, "I think this is yours." "What makes you think it's my phone?" asked the ref "Easy," the coach said. "It says you have ten missed calls." Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving. "Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved." An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty. Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom. "Done!" says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning. Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, "Say something." The dean sighs and says, "I should have taken the money." A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, "... I would do... anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?" During a revival meeting, the evangelist invited peo ple in need to the stage. "Brother," he said to the first respondent, "what is your need?" "My hearing," the man answered. The evangelist stuck his finger in the man's ear and prayed. How's your hearing now?" he asked. "I don't know," the man replied. "It's not till next Tuesday!" "I just left my husband", a woman says to her best friend. The friend asks, "Well, how did he take it?" "It's a funny thing," the first woman replies. "You live with someone for 10 years, but you never really know them. For example, I never knew Bill could sing or do cartwheels." A GOLF CLUB walks into a bar and asks for a pint. "No can do, man," the bartender says. "Why not?" "Because," he explains, "you'll be driving later." Why were the elephants kicked off the beach? They were walking around with their trunks down. (Thanks Brenda Hilst) A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a loose fitting, pink dress, sleeveless with straps. He was wearing his usual jeans and T-shirt. As they walked through the ape exhibit, they passed in front of a large, silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and 2 feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress. The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited. Then the husband suggested that she let one of he straps fall to show a little more skin. She did... And the gorilla was about to tear the bars down. "Now... Show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips. Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut. "Now! Tell HIM you have a headache." Still groggy from an opera tion, the patient was in an ag itated state. "Nurse," he moaned, "I heard the surgeon use a four letter word, and it caused me great distress." "What did the surgeon say?" asked the nurse. “It was…Oops!" Ed and Ted met for the first time in twenty years. "So, how's life been for you?" Ed asked. "Not too good," Ted replied. "My first wife died of cancer, my second wife turned out to be a lesbian and ran off with another woman and took all our savings, my son's in prison for trying to kill me, my daughter got run over by a bus, my house was hit by a low-flying aircraft, my vintage car rolled off the dockside into the sea, I had to have my dog put down recently, my doctor says that I have an incurable disease and to cap it all my business has just gone bust." "Oh dear, that sounds terrible." Ed said. "What business were you in?" (Thanks Ed Prechel) A pastor, known for his lengthy sermons, noticed a man get up and leave during the middle of his message. The man returned just before the conclusion of the service. Afterward the pastor asked the man where he had gone. "I went to get a haircut," was the reply. "But,” said the pastor, "why didn't you do that before the service started?" "Because," the gentleman said, "I didn't need one then." (National Romance Month) A man has this wife who really has let herself go, and frankly, he's not much either. The woman is very upset that he never approaches her for anything more than a cup of tea or to mend his sweaty socks so she calls up a friend for advice. Her friend is a true friend indeed, and tells the woman that she has turned into something of a slacker. "You don't dress up, or look after yourself like you used to," she explains, "and no wonder Charlie isn't interested any more." "So what can I do?" wails the wife and her friend gives her some ideas. Charlie comes in that afternoon and she is all dolled up to the nines, and she is dressed in a skimpy negligee. In her hand are some handcuffs. "Tie me up darling, and then do whatever you want!" she invites him. So, he ties her up....And goes fishing. A guy walks into a dentist's office and flops right down on the couch. One of my co-workers decided it was time to shed some excess weight. She took her new diet so seriously that she even changed her driving route to avoid her favorite bakery. One morning, however, she arrived at work carrying a gigantic cheesecake. We all scolded her, but her smile remained cherubic. "This is a very special cheesecake," she explained. "I accidentally drove by the bakery this morning and there in the window was a host of goodies. I felt this was no accident, so I prayed, 'Lord, if you want me to have one of those delicious cheesecakes, let me have a parking spot directly in front of the bakery', and sure enough," she continued, "the ninth time around the block, there it was!" A guy walks into the human resources department of a large company and hands the executive his application. The executive begins to scan the sheet, and notices that the applicant has been fired from every job he has ever held." I must say," says the executive, "your work history is terrible. You've been fired from every job." "Yes," says the man. "Well," continues the executive, "there's not much positive in that." "Hey!" says the guy as he pokes the application. "At least I'm not a quitter." A 55 year old man who was born on May 5, has been married 5 years, has 5 children, makes $55,555.55 a year, who's lucky number is 5 receives a phone call from a friend. The friend informs the man that a horse named Lucky 5 will be running in the fifth race at the local track that evening. Excitedly, the man withdraws 5,555.00 cash from his bank account, goes to the races and bets on Lucky 5. Sure enough the horse comes in fifth. Just got a letter from my kid at summer camp... As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 74. Please be careful!" "Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!" Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said. "I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through." The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing. Just then Paul's date walked out. "Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" "To tell the truth, “he replied, "Rollo seemed a little depressed to me!" (Thanks Todd Bryant) Two men are out ice fishing at their favorite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Mel says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months." Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find." A couple had been married for 45 years and had raised 13 children. When asked the secret for staying together all that time, the wife replied, "Many years ago we made a promise to each other: the first one to pack up and leave has to take all the kids." (Thanks Edward Prechel) "You just go ahead," the man in the shopping mall said to his wife. "While you're shopping, I'll browse in the hardware store." An hour later, she returned and saw him at the checkout counter. The clerk was ringing up the last of a pile of tools and supplies that would fill two wheelbarrows. "Are you buying all this?" his wife asked incredulously. "Well, yes," he said, embarrassed. Then waving his arm toward the interior of the store, he added, "But look at all the stuff I'm leaving behind!" A cocky State Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road." The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field." The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land." So the old farmer went about his farm chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!! The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!" Two guys were lounging on a nude beach when a attractive young blonde wandered by...One man turned to the other and said "Man, I bet she looks hot in a bikini!" (Thanks Edward Prechel) A woman told a marriage counselor that her husband's complaint that he leads a dog's life is probably well founded. "He comes in the house with muddy feet," she said, "tracks across my clean floors, barks at nothing, growls at his food and makes himself comfortable on my best furniture." (Thanks J.R. Greeley) Tom was in his early 50's, retired from the Air Force, and started a second career. However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was at least 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But, he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the office for a little talk. "Tom, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, and you do a bang-up job, but your being late so often is becoming quite bothersome." "Yes, I know boss and I am working on it." "Well good, you're a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though; you're coming in late, 'cause I know you're retired from the Air Force. What did they say if you came in late there?" They said, "Good morning, General." A 4th of July reveler walked into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the BACK door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "MAAAN! How many bars do you work at? (Thanks Edward Prechel) The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said: "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." (Thanks Chris Richards) Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place: First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I would paint every room in the house next weekend." Second guy: "That is nothing, I had to promise my wife that I would build her a new deck for the pool." Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I would remodel the kitchen for her." They continue to fish. When they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word, they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?" Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a slap on the ass and said: "Fishing or Sex?" She said: "Wear sun-block." Morris, an 82-year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: Get a hot mamma and be cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur, be careful!'" This fella Joe is constantly annoying his friends by saying, "It coulda been worse" to just about any story they tell. No matter what, it's always "it coulda been worse" from ol' Joe. One day Bill walks up to Joe and says, "Hey Joe. Didya here what happened with your old pal Davey?" Joe says, "No." Bills says, "Oh, it was horrible. Davey comes home last night and catches the old lady in bed with this guy. He grabs his gun and starts shooting. He kills the guy, then blows away his wife. THEN, Davey turns the gun on himself and boom, it's over. The cops found the bodies about two hours ago." Joes says, "It coulda been worse." Dumbfounded Bills says, "It coulda been WORSE??! How!?" Joe says, "If that had happened TWO days ago, I'd be a dead man!" A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?" The woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!" (Thanks Jo Fisher) A guy joined a health spa and, on his first day, he eagerly joined in on an exercise class. However, when it ended, he went to the front desk and requested cancellation of his membership. When asked why, he replied, "Your floors are so low, I can't touch my toes." (Thanks Susan Rasmussen) This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at some lights while not really paying attention. Anyway the fella who was driving got out. And he was a dwarf! He said "I'm not happy.” I said "Well, which one are you then?" Wife : "Do you want dinner?" A passenger is in a plane enjoying the view of the clouds when a man in a parachute appears at the window. The man yells "Would you like to join me?" The passenger responds with, "No thanks." The man says, "Suit yourself, I'm the pilot." This guy takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says to him, "My dog's cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?" "Well," say the vet, "Let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and has a good look at its eyes. After pausing for a while to think, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" exclaims the guy. Two youngsters were walking home from Sunday School, each deep in his own thoughts. Finally one said, "What do you think about all this devil business we studied today?" A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go into a restaurant in London. The waiter says, "Excuse me, but if you wanted the steak you might not get one as there is a shortage." (Thanks Edward Prechel) While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish horse-driven carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-painted sign: "Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust." Walking into a lingerie store, a customer says to the clerk, "I'd like to buy a pair of stockings for my wife." The clerk asks, "Sheer?" The man replies "No. She's in another store." A man walks into a doctor's office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ear. The doctor says, "That looks nasty." "Nasty?" replies the man. "This is just the tip of the iceberg." (Thanks Edward Prechel) A young couple came into the church office to fill out a pre-marriage questionnaire form. The young man, who had never talked to a pastor before, was quite nervous and the pastor tried to put him at ease. When they came to the question, "Are you entering this marriage of your own free will?" there was a long pause. Finally, the girl looked over at the apprehensive young man and said, "Put down yes." A guy at a restaurant yells to his waiter, "Hey, there's a fly in my soup. The waiter yells back, "That's entirely possible, the Chef used to be a tailor! Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around at Home Depot when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little worried." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like? The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, well-endowed, and she's wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours!” (Thanks Edward Prechel) The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading. After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude...?" After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone." (Thanks Edward Prechel) A guy says to the bartender, "A glass of your finest Less, please." (Thanks Don Little) An elderly couple in their 80s were about to get married. She tells her groom, "I want to keep my house." He says, "That's fine with me." She tells him, "And I want to keep my Cadillac." And he tells her, "That's fine with me." And she tells him, "And I want to make love six times a week." And he tells her, "That's fine with me -- put me down for Fridays!" (Thanks Ira Young) A woman tries her hand at baking cinnamon rolls for the first time. She puts them on the breakfast table and her husband picks one up and takes a bite. The wife waits for several minutes for the compliment that never comes. Finally, she asks, "How much do you think I'd get if I sold those cinnamon rolls commercially?" And the husband tells her, "No more than 10 years!" (Thanks Dave Westermann) A police officer was driving through an old part of town when he saw a former lieutenant on foot. The officer stopped and asked, “Hey, Pat, this isn’t your new beat, is it?” Pat said, “Unfortunately, it is – ever since I arrested a judge on the way to a costume ball.” “Why did you do that?” asked the officer. Answered the former lieutenant, sadly, “How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?” The officer thought about it for a moment and said, “Well, I suppose it is best never to book a judge by his cover.” A man trying to stop smoking was chewing on an unlit cigar in an elevator one day. A lady got on, looks at him, and then says, “Sir, there’s absolutely no smoking in here. See the sign on the wall?” The man replied, “I’m not smoking, ma’am.” “But... you have a cigar in your mouth,” the lady said. “Lady,” the guy said, “I’ve got on Jockey shorts too, but I’m not riding a horse either!” The man was found drowned in a bathtub full of milk...he had a banana in his mouth...police surmised that it was the work of a cereal killer... (Thanks Julie Davis) All the new nurses listened as the doctor continually yelled "Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles!" over and over again. One of them then asked another nurse, one who had worked there a while, "Why does he do that?" She replied, "Oh, he just likes to call the shots around here!" Surgeons invited to dinner parties are often asked to carve the meat --or worse yet, to watch the host carve while commenting on the surgeon's occupation. At one party, a surgeon friend was watching the carving while Harry, his host, kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?" When the host finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let’s see you put them back together again!" A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat. "Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?" "What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again!?" (Thanks Ed Prechel) The husband says to his wife, "You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?" She says, "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears." He smirks and replies, "You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?" She calmly replies, "Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem can there be greater than this one!?'" A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." "Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!" An authority on African leopards was giving a lecture. When he finished, he asked for questions. One man stood up and asked, "Is it true that leopards in Africa won't bother you if you carry a lighted torch?" The speaker smiled and said, "That depends on how fast you carry it!" One day, a blind man and his dog are walking down a street, they come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man out into the thick of traffic. This is followed by (Thanks Dianna Price) On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box.. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "Oh no," the boy replied. She tried another drop and asked, "Scotch?" "No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" (Thanks Lori Hedgespeth) A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection. The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects. He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' License plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper Sticker, And the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, Naturally...I assumed you had stolen the car." A woman and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist. "I want a tooth pulled, and I don't want Novocain because I'm in a big hurry," the woman said. "Just extract the tooth as quickly as possible, and we'll be on our way." The dentist was quite impressed. "You're certainly a courageous woman," he said. "Which tooth is it?" The woman turned to her husband and said, "Show him your tooth, dear." (Thanks Jane Lovell) A man walks into a restaurant and asks to see a menu. The waiter says, "No need, Sir, we can get you anything you want." So the man says sarcastically, mocking the waiter, "Very well, then, I'd like a gorilla sandwich, please!" The waiter replies, "I'm sorry, Sir, but I cannot get you that." The man laughs and says, "I thought you could get me anything?!" Says the waiter, "I'm sorry, we've run out of bread." (Thanks Don Little) A guy is in a public toilet, but soon discovers there is no toilet paper on the roll. He calls into the next booth, "Do you have any tissue paper in there?" "No," comes the reply. "Do you have any newspaper?" "Sorry!" "Ummm, do you have two fives for a ten?" While attending a marriage seminar dealing with communication, Tom and his wife Grace listened to the instructor, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?" Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "It's self-rising, isn't it? A couple took their two-year-old daughter to the home improvement store one Saturday. The little girl soon got tired of walking, so her dad let her ride on his shoulders. As they walked along the little girl began pulling on his hair. Although he asked her to stop several times, she kept it up. Finally, getting really annoyed, he scolded, “You stop that right now, you hear me?” “But, daddy,” she replied, “I’m just trying to get my gum back!” Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep. The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present. "Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to mother? Who does everything she says?" Five small voices answered in unison, "Okay, dad, you get the toy." (Thanks Edward Prechel) A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back. Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you, "she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The Guy is amazed!! Everything had been SO incredible!!!! "You know, “he said, "You are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "No,” she replies. She says, "You just happened to catch my eye!" "Doctor, Doctor, everyone thinks I'm a liar." One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" A man in a bar had a couple of beers and the bartender told him he owed four dollars. "But I paid, don't you remember?" said the customer. "OK," said the bartender. "If you say you paid, then you did." The man went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn't keep track of his customers' bills. The second man rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt. The barkeep replied, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it." Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks. The man hurried into the bar and began to drink shots when suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose." "Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responded. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way!" (Thanks Joyce Johnson) Upon coming downstairs to inspect the shipments of imported crystal vases leaving the plant the foreman approached his new packer, the boss’s nephew. He put his arm around the boy’s shoulder. “Well, Jason, excellent work. I see you did what I asked. Thanks for stamping the top of each box. “THIS SIDE UP, HANDLE WITH CARE.” Yes sir.” Jason replied. “And just to be safe, I stamped it on the bottom, too.” (Thanks Dottie) This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So, she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a heavy parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing and she replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said "FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS." (Thanks Joyce Johnson) A little boy told his mom when he came home from school one day that he was in love with a girl in his class. His mom asked. “How do you know you’re in love?” The boy responded, “She told me.” (Thanks Beau Johnson) A man and a woman were attending a friend's daughter's wedding reception. When the man returned to their table from his 10th trip to the bar, the woman yelled at him, "This is your tenth trip to the bar! What will people think of you?" The man replied, "Nothing. I told the bartender I was getting the drinks for you." After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears." Tony excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. Tony says, "Just for fun, Mom, I'm going to bring over two other female friends in addition to my fiancée, and you have to try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The next day, Tony brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Mom, guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Tony says, "That's amazing! You're right, how did you know?" His mother folds her arms across her chest and says, "I don't like her!" Dr. Jones goes to the retirement home for his monthly rounds. He sees Joe and asks him, "Joe, how much is three times three?" Joe responds "59." He goes over to Tom and asks, "Tom, how much is three times three?" Tom responds, "Wednesday." He finally goes over to John and asks, "John, how much is three times three?" "NINE" replies John. "That's right ...now how did you come to that answer?" "It was easy...I just subtracted 59 from Wednesday!" KNOCK! KNOCK! An attractive redhead was thrilled to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.” He bought the "picture", but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly such-n-such he’s runnin’ around with.” When the parents sat down with their son's teacher for their regular conference, they knew things were not good by his report card. They were somewhat surprised when the teacher said he had some good things to say about their son. The father asked expectantly, "What's that?" The teacher replied, "Well, for one thing, he's very honest." The mother said, "What makes you say that?" The teacher explained, "Well, with grades like these, he certainly couldn't be cheating!" A horse visited a baseball stadium, trotted over to the manager and asked for a tryout. The manager, stunned by the talking horse, figured he'd give the tryout a go. The horse took batting practice and slammed several pitches out of the park. Next came fielding practice. The horse stopped everything at shortstop and fired the ball to first base each time with amazing accuracy. The dazed manager said, "Great! Now let's see you run." The horse said, "Are you kidding? If I could run, I'd be at the Kentucky Derby." Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone. A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin. Out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks. Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go. The blonde spins around and shouts: "Can't you see I'm winning!?" As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Wilson became increasingly furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde. As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slap Mr. Wilson, and said, “That will teach you to pinch!” Bewildered, Mr. Wilson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, “I...I...didn't pinch that girl.” “Of course you didn't” said his wife, consolingly. “I did!” After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." She replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice." The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination. Marie accompanied Boudreaux when he went to get a haircut. She began reading the magazine and found a hairstyle she liked for herself. So she asked the receptionist if she could take the magazine next door, to make a copy of the (Thanks Velma Jerons) Homer opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Cletus. "Did you see the paper?" asked Homer. "They say ah died!" And Cledus replied, "Yeah, I saw that! ... Where are you callin' from?" A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him. "Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow. Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story. "Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer. "Yes, yes," the man replied. "Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars!" (Thanks Don Wilson) Two brooms had been hanging in the closet for some time and they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom sweetly, "I think I'm going to have a little whisk broom!" "Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together!" (Thanks Ed Prechel) A pickpocket was appearing in court for a series of petty crimes. "Mr. Brewster," the judge said, "you are hereby found guilty and fined the sum of $150." After consulting with his client, Mr. Brewster's lawyer stood up and said, "Your Honor, my client is a little short at this time. He has only $125 in his pocket, but if you would allow him a few minutes in the crowd..." Mary Flagherty goes up to Father O'Gill after his Sunday morning service, and she's crying. He says, "So what's bothering you, dear?" She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night." The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?" She says, "Aye That he did, Father..." The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please, Mary, put down that damn gun!" One day, there was a catastrophic event that caused all living creatures on Earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God came and said, "I want the men to form two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on Earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines. The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1,000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?" The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here." (Thanks Don Wilson) A gorgeous blonde walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object behind the counter, she asks, "What is that?" The store clerk responds, "Why, it's a thermos." Still curious, the blonde asks, "What does it do?" "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," replies the clerk. So she buys one. The next day, she brings her new thermos to work with her. Her boss, also a blonde, asks, "What's that shiny thingy?" She replies with authority, "It's a thermos." "Oh," he says, "and what's it do?" "Well," she says, "it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold." Then he asks, "So what do you have in there today?" And she replies, "Two cups of coffee and a Popsicle!" "When I was a youngster," complained the frustrated father, shaking his head, "I was disciplined by being sent to my room without supper. But our son has his own color TV, phone, computer and CD player." So what do you do when your son misbehaves?" asked his friend. "I send him to OUR room." A leading psychologist says in today's world, many people never grow up. (Thanks Lisa Janey) Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to go out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that crap?" A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting. (Thanks Dave Westermann) This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge downtown he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas!" (Thanks Chris Odea) An Illinois senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-74, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the state trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, “What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an Illinois State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back!" An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." These three married couples died and when they got to the pearly gates. St. Peter told the first husband, "I can't let you in. You let alcohol run your life. You even married a girl named Sherry." Dejected, he turned and walked away. The next married couple stepped up, and St. Peter told the husband, "Can't let you in sir. While you were on earth, you allowed money to run your life. You even married a girl named Penny." The guy hung his head, turned and walked away. The husband of the third couple waiting in line, overheard both conversations and said, "Come on, Fanny, he's not going to let us in either." Boudreaux & Marie are on their honeymoon trip from their little village on the bayou in south Louisiana. They are near Breaux Bridge when Boudreaux put his hand on Marie's knee. Giggling, Marie says, "Mais Boudreaux, we're married you know you can go a little further than that." So Boudreaux drives to Lafayette. (Thanks Debbie Schertz) I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over! One night a teenage girl brought her new boy-friend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose. Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice." "Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 5000 hours of community service!?" A woman had a problem with her closet door - it fall off every time a bus passed by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he steps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman. Husband: "What the hell are you doing here!" Repairman: "Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!" A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close. "Oh, no, it's my husband!" The man says, "Where's your back door?" "We don't have a back door" says the woman. The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?" (Thanks Terri Tesdall) Fred died, leaving a will that provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last of the visitors departed the affair, his wife Joan turned to her oldest friend and said, "Well, I'm sure Fred would be pleased." "I'm sure you're right," replied Valerie, who then lowered her voice and leaned in close, "How much did this really cost?" "All of it," said Joan. "Thirty thousand." No!" Valerie exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?" Joan replied, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church. The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the Memorial Stone." Valerie computed quickly. "$22,500 for a Memorial Stone!? My God, how big is it?" "Two and a half carats!" A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.' Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!" (Thanks Edward Prechel) The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes. When she returned, she found the children in perfect order. Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet. She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well-behaved and quiet?" Finally, after much urging, a little girl said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you would drop dead!" Mary: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." (Thanks Debbie Schertz) Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure!" (Thanks Dave Westermann) A couple were listening to the news on a California station, when they heard the announcement that California was rated 47th in the union for having intelligent people. The blonde said, "That's terrible, being 47th out of 52!" (Thanks Debbie Schertz) My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be! Ole and Lena were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. "There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies "Jeez, okay." Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee and replies, "Jeez, okay." Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, "There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the..." and then the power went out and Ole didn't get the rest of the instructions. He says to Lena, "Jeez, what am I going to do now, Lena?" Lena replies, "Aw, Ole, yust leave the car in the garage." (Thanks Carol Hall) An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!" Person 1: Knock knock. The Super Bowl will charge two-and-a-half million dollars per thirty-second commercials, it was reported Monday. Last time someone paid so much for thirty seconds was Paul McCartney after the divorce with Heather Mills. Ms. Smith’s class in Indianapolis had a "Colts Day" last week where the whole class came wearing Colts gear. All the kids came in their favorite blue and white jerseys and sweatshirts. All except Jimmy, who sported a Bears jersey. Mrs. Smith asked Jimmy, "Why are you wearing a Bears jersey on Colt’s Day?" Jimmy replied "Well, I’m a Chicago Bears fan. My mother is a Bear's fan and my father is a Bear's fan. And so am I." Mrs. Smith said, "Jimmy, if your mother was an idiot, and your father was an idiot, what would that make you?" Jimmy replied, "A Colts fan!" Indianapolis Colts football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field. Head coach Tony Dungy immediately suspended practice while police and federal investigators were called to investigate. After a complete analysis, FBI forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to the players was the goal line. Practice resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again… (Thanks Edward Prechel) A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!" Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled." The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!" Dear Abby, It's been determined that it's a bad idea to give chocolate to a woman with PMS. It can worsen the condition. However, it's an even WORSE idea to try to take AWAY chocolate from a woman with PMS. |